The Worst Things I’ve Heard as a Nurse in Labor and Delivery

This is only the beginning. I could write a book on all of the crazy things said in labor and delivery!

Put in an extra stitch. – From a father talking to a provider AND from a provider talking to a father. Yeah, ‘cause that didn’t make me just throw up in my mouth. Officially, the only time I’ve rolled my eyes in front of a patient. One time I couldn’t even help it…I asked the father “how small does the doctor need to make it?” :/ There went my patient satisfaction…

If you put a catheter in me, will the baby be able to come out? – From many patients. Am I the only woman out there that has explored her own body?!? …or paid attention during anatomy class? You have three holes down there!

The doctor called me a loose whore –  From an angry patient, who thought her doctor was being judgemental after a vaginal exam.  This is just a wild guess, but something tells me he called you a loose four. 

I’m the only one that gets to suck on those. – From a father who wouldn’t let his wife breastfeed. This was the only time I’ve ever wanted to hit someone in the head 😞

Poop all over the baby – From a provider trying to convince a woman to push “like she’s pooping.” Yeah, that thought running around in my head is really going to make me push harder.  Take a hint from the labor nurse doc, we say “push like you’ve got to go to the bathroom…”

There’s plenty of room in here. – From a provider talking to a woman while doing a vaginal exam. Ummm, because I really want a room full of people to hear that my vagina is big enough to have a ten pound baby. For the love of God, have some decency and say “it’ll be a tight fit, but our bodies are capable of great things!”

Right now you have a vaginus. – From a provider, telling the woman how bad her laceration was. Because that’s not confusing or frightening at all…

Oh, he has a little penis just like his dad did. – From a grandmother looking at her newborn grandson right after delivery. This was only the “worst” for the dad. This was the “best” for everyone else in the room 😃 Everyone else could.not.stop.laughing.  The dad turned every shade of red.

My boyfriend checked me and said I was dilating. – From a woman who let her partner do too much exploring. He knew how dilated she was from his experience working in a coffee shop. FYI – don’t try this at home :/

You smell like your momma’s stinky kooch – From a grandmother, talking to her daughter’s newly delivered baby.

Grandpa, you can take pictures now – From a nursery nurse, talking to the man standing next to the warmer. Unfortunately, it was the woman’s husband, not her dad :/

Until my next delivery ❤


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28 Comments on "The Worst Things I’ve Heard as a Nurse in Labor and Delivery"

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oc15
Guest

the second last one…. classy. good lord!

steffiefourie
Guest

Oh my, these are hilarious!

wtfovaries
Guest

I love these!!

Joan McVey, L&D RN
Guest

Or….Does this mean I’ll have a dry birth? from a patient who’s water broke at home and who’s mother must have suggested that to her when I last left the room. I’ve never seen a dry birth. Does that mean we don’t get alcohol after? Hmmm….

bensbabe
Guest

Or, because she’s been in labor a while with her water broken, they wonder if it’ll be a dry birth. Lol.

Anonymous
Guest

aint that the truth

sandy roos
Guest

Also had a woman tell me she was 6cm on arrival. When asked how she knew that, she said her husband had checked her at home! PS. She wasn’t!

bensbabe
Guest

Or the ER/1st responders have checked a OT & she was “fully dilated”…..only to be closed on arrival. Lol

bensbabe
Guest

Or when ER/1st responders have checked a pt & called her “fully dilated”…..only to be closed on arrival. ?

Anonymous
Guest

My p***y is on fire….and push that mother f****r out……classy clientele

mary meadows RNC
Guest

When I get a dad who asked the provider to “put in an extra stitch!”, I always make it a point to loudly say ” a REAL man doesn’t need an extra stitch!”

BgBdMom
Guest

Must have been the same guy whose Mom pointed out how tiny his penis was…LOL

Jennifer
Guest

The worst was a patient was 5cm after I checked her dad says ” well I can make her at least 8cm”. With the biggest smile! I just throw up in my mouth after that comment!

sianob
Guest

Takes all sorts, doesn’t it?

Laura
Guest

In response to “put another stitch in there”: a coworker of mine boldly asked the dad “why don’t you drop your pants and show us how small he needs to make it.” :-)

splitmom
Guest

#4, ick and wth? So, so many wrongs there.

Anonymous
Guest

I’ve been a labor and Delivery RN for 20 years and have heart it all

Anonymous
Guest

oops heard it all

Leigh Guinn
Guest

After 14 hours of labor and a blood pressure issue, I had to have a section. I started crying and the nurse whispered in my ear, “At least you won’t blow out your hoohah”.

Sue
Guest

38 years here in L&D in a tertiary -care very busy unit. Heard most of these & many more. Another good topic would be the awful names that were given to their poor unsuspecting babies

Janice Moore
Guest

When the baby daddy says to his baby mama, while in labor;”damm your mother must had some good p,,,, cause she had 5 kids”! Really did he just say that!

steffiefourie
Guest

Oh my, these are hilarious!

Anonymous
Guest

Literaly had a dad ask for an extra stitch the other day. After his wife just pushed out her baby without an epidural. Doc says you really need one. LMAO

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