The Worst Things I’ve Heard as a Nurse in Labor and Delivery

This is only the beginning. I could write a book on all of the crazy things said in labor and delivery!

Put in an extra stitch. – From a father talking to a provider AND from a provider talking to a father. Yeah, ‘cause that didn’t make me just throw up in my mouth. Officially, the only time I’ve rolled my eyes in front of a patient. One time I couldn’t even help it…I asked the father “how small does the doctor need to make it?” :/ There went my patient satisfaction…

If you put a catheter in me, will the baby be able to come out? – From many patients. Am I the only woman out there that has explored her own body?!? …or paid attention during anatomy class? You have three holes down there!

The doctor called me a loose whore –  From an angry patient, who thought her doctor was being judgemental after a vaginal exam.  This is just a wild guess, but something tells me he called you a loose four. 

I’m the only one that gets to suck on those. – From a father who wouldn’t let his wife breastfeed. This was the only time I’ve ever wanted to hit someone in the head 😞

Poop all over the baby – From a provider trying to convince a woman to push “like she’s pooping.” Yeah, that thought running around in my head is really going to make me push harder.  Take a hint from the labor nurse doc, we say “push like you’ve got to go to the bathroom…”

There’s plenty of room in here. – From a provider talking to a woman while doing a vaginal exam. Ummm, because I really want a room full of people to hear that my vagina is big enough to have a ten pound baby. For the love of God, have some decency and say “it’ll be a tight fit, but our bodies are capable of great things!”

Right now you have a vaginus. – From a provider, telling the woman how bad her laceration was. Because that’s not confusing or frightening at all…

Oh, he has a little penis just like his dad did. – From a grandmother looking at her newborn grandson right after delivery. This was only the “worst” for the dad. This was the “best” for everyone else in the room 😃 Everyone else could.not.stop.laughing.  The dad turned every shade of red.

My boyfriend checked me and said I was dilating. – From a woman who let her partner do too much exploring. He knew how dilated she was from his experience working in a coffee shop. FYI – don’t try this at home :/

You smell like your momma’s stinky kooch – From a grandmother, talking to her daughter’s newly delivered baby.

Grandpa, you can take pictures now – From a nursery nurse, talking to the man standing next to the warmer. Unfortunately, it was the woman’s husband, not her dad :/

Until my next delivery ❤


28 thoughts on “The Worst Things I’ve Heard as a Nurse in Labor and Delivery

  • January 9, 2015 at 5:33 pm
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    the second last one…. classy. good lord!

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    • January 9, 2015 at 5:49 pm
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      Or….Does this mean I’ll have a dry birth? from a patient who’s water broke at home and who’s mother must have suggested that to her when I last left the room. I’ve never seen a dry birth. Does that mean we don’t get alcohol after? Hmmm….

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      • January 10, 2015 at 2:34 am
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        Or, because she’s been in labor a while with her water broken, they wonder if it’ll be a dry birth. Lol.

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  • January 9, 2015 at 8:13 pm
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    aint that the truth

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  • January 9, 2015 at 10:02 pm
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    Also had a woman tell me she was 6cm on arrival. When asked how she knew that, she said her husband had checked her at home! PS. She wasn’t!

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    • January 10, 2015 at 2:37 am
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      Or the ER/1st responders have checked a OT & she was “fully dilated”…..only to be closed on arrival. Lol

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    • January 10, 2015 at 2:40 am
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      Or when ER/1st responders have checked a pt & called her “fully dilated”…..only to be closed on arrival. ?

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  • January 9, 2015 at 10:07 pm
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    My p***y is on fire….and push that mother f****r out……classy clientele

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  • January 9, 2015 at 11:14 pm
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    When I get a dad who asked the provider to “put in an extra stitch!”, I always make it a point to loudly say ” a REAL man doesn’t need an extra stitch!”

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    • January 9, 2015 at 11:17 pm
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      Must have been the same guy whose Mom pointed out how tiny his penis was…LOL

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  • January 9, 2015 at 11:35 pm
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    The worst was a patient was 5cm after I checked her dad says ” well I can make her at least 8cm”. With the biggest smile! I just throw up in my mouth after that comment!

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  • January 10, 2015 at 1:49 am
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    In response to “put another stitch in there”: a coworker of mine boldly asked the dad “why don’t you drop your pants and show us how small he needs to make it.” :-)

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  • January 10, 2015 at 7:55 am
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    I’ve been a labor and Delivery RN for 20 years and have heart it all

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  • January 10, 2015 at 7:56 am
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    oops heard it all

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  • January 10, 2015 at 3:47 pm
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    After 14 hours of labor and a blood pressure issue, I had to have a section. I started crying and the nurse whispered in my ear, “At least you won’t blow out your hoohah”.

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  • January 12, 2015 at 12:36 am
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    38 years here in L&D in a tertiary -care very busy unit. Heard most of these & many more. Another good topic would be the awful names that were given to their poor unsuspecting babies

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  • January 13, 2015 at 4:12 am
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    When the baby daddy says to his baby mama, while in labor;”damm your mother must had some good p,,,, cause she had 5 kids”! Really did he just say that!

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  • February 19, 2015 at 1:46 am
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    Literaly had a dad ask for an extra stitch the other day. After his wife just pushed out her baby without an epidural. Doc says you really need one. LMAO

    Reply
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