Lies From a Labor and Delivery Nurse

lies 2

You’re 9cm. Ok, you might really be complete and +1. But trust me, five minutes of pushing feels like an hour and I’m really doing both of us a favor.  Labor down!

No, you aren’t pooping when you push. We’re just trying not to talk. Or breathe. But rest assured, we’ll clean it up as quick as we can, because we know that other people in the room may not have a poker face as good as ours 😃 And if  you do realize you’re pooping, we’ll pull out that old preschool saying and tell you that everyone poops.  But that. is. also. a. lie :/

That’s a big baby for you. Really, you may have just been a bad pusher 😞 Don’t feel bad, sometimes those epidurals can numb everything right up.

Yes, that was a big contraction. Trust me sister, if you’re talking about how ‘big’ the contraction is, it wasn’t that big. Wait until you want to punch someone in the face for looking at you the wrong way. And p.s., external monitors can’t tell us how “strong” your contractions are, they just basically tell us when you’re having one.  We can only really tell how hard your contractions are by putting our hands on your belly.

I never miss an IV. Uhhh, I miss IVs all the time. I’m pretty good, but sometimes veins roll, sometimes they’re flat, sometimes they’re deep, and sometimes I just miss. Sometimes you barely touch them with the IV catheter and they blow. All I know is, I will find a way to make it not my fault…Ohhh, you’re veins are so tiny. Are you a smoker? Do you drink enough water? I told you not to move :/

You are my only patient. If we’re taking care of you, we’re also taking care of your baby, and they count as a patient too. On top of that, labor nurses have to “watch” everyone else’s patients. All the time. Because if any baby crashes, everyone has to be prepared to help out —minutes matter.

We’re wearing this mask when you get an epidural because we want to minimize the risk of you getting an infection. Really, your breath just stinks :/ Most places don’t make us wear a mask if we’re standing in front of you and not behind you, where all the action is happening.  One word: halitosis. Not everyone has stinky breath, but usually that’s the last thing on your mind when you’ve been laboring all night. I get it! I’m just still going to wear my mask.

We’re doing a perineal wash with Hibiclens when you’re admitted because that’s just what we do.  Or we may not be able to handle the smell 😞 On a better note, we will not remember what your vagina looked like/smelled like/felt like 5 seconds after walking out of your room. Guaranteed.

No, I don’t think it’s weird that you want your brother or dad in your room when you deliver.  To each their own…but seriously, this is a little strange.  And by the way, they never stay at the head of the bed…

You have my favorite provider. You might have our favorite provider, but you might have one that we think is a complete prick. We’ll still tell you they’re our favorite provider because they’re your provider. But as your labor nurse, regardless if we like your provider or not, we will fight for anything that we think is right for you

I love your baby’s name. In my head, I’m screaming WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!? In fact, if I really don’t like your baby’s name, I’ll literally try to say it 100 times before you deliver, hoping that you’ll hear it and realize how crazy it sounds.

Press the call-light if you need anything. What we really mean to say is, press the call-light if you need anything important. And if you need anything that anyone else in your room can help you with, ask them first.  I’m just saying there are ten people in your room that can get you more ice.  Just throwing that out there.

I’m not sick, it’s just allergies.  Ok, I might be sick. All I know is, I’m not dying and I don’t have a fever greater than 101. I just don’t want to leave my coworkers in a bind. And I don’t have any more PTO. And if I call in one more time I might get fired…

I can’t stay to deliver you because I have to pick up my daughter from her babysitter. What I really mean to say is that if I come home late from work one more day this week, my husband might divorce me and my daughter may stop calling me mom. But I do wish I could be there for your delivery.  Just not that bad :/

There’s no more pain after you deliver the baby.  This is something we say to give you a little extra urge to push when it counts the most.  And although it’s true that the pain you will have after you deliver a baby vaginally is nothing compared to the pain you feel when you are actually trying to push that baby out, it’s still a baby, coming out of your vagina. It’s going to be a little sore! But again, it will be nothing like it was when you were actually pushing.  And don’t get me started on cesarean deliveries…

I talk to your provider all day long.  Okay, we called them when you got here, and we’ll call them again when your baby is crowning. If I had to call them at any other time between those two events, it was to report something that wasn’t going too well.

It’s okay that you screamed at us/tried to hit us/acted like a complete psycho during labor.  We were really gritting our teeth while we tried to calm down the crazy, and depending on your level of craziness, we may have even talked about you in the lounge. But trust me, you weren’t the first and you will not be the last, so don’t sweat it (we don’t!).  And, it gives us all something to laugh about ❤

Until my next delivery ❤

Warnings for Working Moms

 


189 thoughts on “Lies From a Labor and Delivery Nurse

  • December 28, 2014 at 3:37 am
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    Made me laugh!! Must love it. Just finished my 32nd year!

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  • December 28, 2014 at 4:10 am
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    I was actually really nice to my nurses. I cried a lot because my external monitoring wasn’t working so they kept upping my pitocin and i wanted to die in the bed because of pain. Nut i ried my very best to keep saying. “I am sorry if i am being mean. I know its your job. Thank you for helping again.” i thought it was kinda funny when she went to straight cath me so i could pee and yelped in surprised because i was about to deliver out of no where. 14 hours of labour induction and my child still decided she had control.

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    • December 28, 2014 at 5:20 am
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      The external monitors aren’t as good as the mom telling us they’re in a lot of pain! I always believe the patient. And babies always have control LOL

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  • December 28, 2014 at 7:18 am
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    Thank you nurses for all you do. Our first born child was stillborn in May. Our nurses were so amazing with us. Our morning nurse stayed with us after her shift ended so that she was my coach while I delivered. She was such a blessing to our family and will forever be a part of our Hannah’s story. Our night nurse treated our precious girl with so much respect and care. I will never forget the team that helped us get through one of the most painful days in our lives. God bless you!

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    • December 29, 2014 at 4:41 am
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      So sorry for your loss.

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    • December 29, 2014 at 4:56 am
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      My first labor lasted for 19 hours! It was awful but my nurses were amazing. They took such great care of me, my husband, and my son when he was FINALLY born. I had to have an emergency c-section and I was so scared. The nurses totally put me at ease and I so appreciate all they did and said. You know what, maybe at some point they did lie to me about something. Well, if they did, it’s ok. Their job is to make me and my husband more at ease and not scared. Everything turned out fine and I have wonderful memories of the whole night and the 3 days I stayed in the hospital. My “baby” is now 7 and he has a little 5 yr old brother. (Both were born via c-section)

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    • December 29, 2014 at 5:18 am
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      I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for my post to come in under yours and there is no way that I can find to fix it. I meant for it to be a general reply to the blog.

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    • December 30, 2014 at 3:07 am
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      Thank you for this comment. People always say, “Oh what a happy job you have!” Sometimes a birthday and a funeral service happen in the same few hours. It’s so painful, yet so meaningful to help a new family through this tragedy with respect and compassion.

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    • April 17, 2016 at 12:46 am
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      I have three beautiful girls now however they do not replace my first, the little boy I lost sixteen years ago.

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  • December 28, 2014 at 8:18 am
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    Aw, all my natural deliveries were wonderful. never had that much pain before, during or after. I never screamed, swore, punched, kicked or yelled at my nurses. I hope they weren’t lying when they said I was one of the best mothers they delivered. lol Actually, natural child birth wasn’t bad, was nothing like any of this. I believe the key to an easy delivery is “relaxing” and “breathing”. Did Lamaze style.

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    • December 28, 2014 at 8:38 am
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      You’re the exception, not the rule. But good for you..

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      • December 28, 2014 at 7:56 pm
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        Actually her experience is quite typical of those mothers who do plan for their birth by educating themselves and preparing to birth unmediated (including pitocin) by attending Hypno birthing, Bradley, or yes-even a Lamaze class! Good for you and “lucky” for your baby! Hugs NOT drugs!

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      • December 30, 2014 at 5:15 pm
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        I had my last baby with hypnobirthing, and it made a HUGE difference. At one point the nurse told me to oush through the pain, and I looked at her and said, “what pain”! It was my fourth child, and my easiest labor. The after labor pains of my uterus going down hurt worse than the actual labor. So even though it won’t be the case for everyone, it can be done.

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    • December 28, 2014 at 10:46 pm
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      Me too! I think the worst thing they did was to do away with Lamaze. My deliveries were a breeze. Just breathing and pushing. Only three times at that!! If I were a OB I wouldn’t deliver unless they at least took the course. Epidural=Long labors from all the stories I’ve heard.

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      • December 29, 2014 at 1:18 am
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        Not true for me. Had an epidural at 12 noon and had my son two hours later at 2:04. Hugs not drugs is bullshit talk from hippy moms.

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      • December 29, 2014 at 1:40 am
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        Three labors.. three epidurals and the longest labor was 6.5 hours from start to finish. All inductions as well. Longest time pushing was 30 minutes. EVERY labor is different. I had great experiences with mine and am glad I had epidurals. Others are glad they didn’t.

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      • December 29, 2014 at 9:16 am
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        My labor halted from stress- was in for 3 days. Had an epidural slept for thirty mins and was woken up to deliver- not everyone’s the same and it’s not fair to condemn people when they are different in so manny ways chemically physically and emotionally.

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      • December 30, 2014 at 2:57 am
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        I agree! Had all four of mine using lamaze

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      • January 4, 2017 at 4:04 am
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        they did away with lamaze?????? i ended up with 2 c-sections 26 and 30 years ago, but did lamaze until i had to have c-section….was great

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  • December 28, 2014 at 12:45 pm
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    Perfect, on the money!

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  • December 28, 2014 at 1:32 pm
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    Retired OB nurse after 41 years. Love your posts! It is amazing how universal so many of your topics are! Please keep them coming. They are always a highlight to my day, bringing back fond memories of why I did that for so long! No one else can really understand.

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  • December 28, 2014 at 3:33 pm
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    All I can say is WOW!!! Unbelievable that it is people like you and your followers that “love this” that my loved ones put their trust into when they do not know any better. Please please please do many of us a favor and get out of this field that you absolutely should not be in!!!

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    • December 28, 2014 at 3:51 pm
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      I know I was one of the people that my nurses laughed at from screaming and cussing in pain. With My first child I swore the whole time I was going to get an epidural, and when it was baby time, I went from 4 cm to 10 cm in 30 minutes. My whole labor and delivery was 2 hrs and 45 mins. I went from refusing to push until I had something to numb the pain, to sreaming and cussing (not at the nurse though). And my nurse said that it happens all the time. It was reassuring and comforting to hear that. I don’t care if it was a lie or not. And I’m ok with that. I don’t take offense to this at all. Everything she has said seemed to me to be spot on. I’m not a nurse, but I can totally understand these.

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    • December 28, 2014 at 5:38 pm
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      Abonin,
      You shouldn’t make a statement like that. US labor nurses love what we do and you and your family members do put your trust in us and you should. We are the ones that take care of your family members and that unborn child. Unless you have been in our shoes you cannot judge. We see your loved ones at their worst and maintain our smiles and composure despite being treated like crap. We give so much of ourselves daily that we’re often empty at the end of the day and have nothing left to give to our own family. Humor helps us deal with all kinds of things and l often laugh at how utterly ridiculous some people act and behave during labor. So really if you don’t like what’s posted on here, don’t read it. You should be saying thank you ladies for making that time special for me despite the fact that I was temporarily possessed or had 12 people in my room that demanded so much or was rude to you.

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    • December 28, 2014 at 7:04 pm
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      I think you are taking this post completely the wrong way. We could all write these about our jobs. Labor nurses work very hard and are an essential part to the whole birth experience. If they hated their job, they could move to a different field in nursing. They stay because they love it. This is simply a reality check of the things they push through to create the most amazing moment between a mother and a child. Chill!
      I love this post!!

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    • December 28, 2014 at 8:33 pm
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      I’m with Abonin. This is insensitive. Do you have children yourself? Have you had a hard or traumatic labor and delivery? If not, then put the pen down. I have a HUGE sense of humor, but I also had a really, really hard time giving birth. It was BAD and I think there was more the nurses could have done to help. If you tell lies to “help/protect” us, then what’s the point of then telling us they are lies?

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      • December 28, 2014 at 8:52 pm
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        I have two kids, and one was very very traumatic. Mine was horrible! We don’t lie to protect you, we lie because we don’t want to be rude. We know that if you labor all night and don’t brush your teeth, brushing your teeth is the last thing on your mind. We aren’t going to say “you need to brush your teeth! ” And seriously, we don’t say these things to every single patient. .. I’m just saying we’ve all said these things at one time or another. ..

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      • December 29, 2014 at 12:02 am
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        As a Labor and Delivery RN for 30 years, I admit I lie to protect you. To protect your pride, your modesty, your peace of mind, and even your baby (stressed moms have stressed babies). Trust me. At the time you’re glad to hear a reassuring lie. It’s what keeps you going. And later, if you find out maybe some things were not quite the truth, as you’re holding that healthy baby, I’m sure most are thankful for it!

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      • December 29, 2014 at 1:17 am
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        I’ll be giving birth in a few weeks and I find it comforting that the nurses have a sense of humor about all this. It reminds me that many women have gone through this before and that I’m being cared for by real people. Thank you.

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        • December 29, 2014 at 1:25 am
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          Thank you! !! I honestly never thought anyone would find this offensive… We think it’s all funny. I mean, it’s a vagina!! Stuff is coming out and if you’re stuck in a hospital and unable to shower (like I was! ) please don’t tell me I stink, and have some decency and wash me! ! Lol I made my mom do it. ?

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      • December 29, 2014 at 7:44 am
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        I have many children and they all haven’t been the best experiences. It sound like you have some unresolved trauma and I’m sorry you had a bad experience. I’m also sorry that the nurses weren’t as helpful as you needed. Some women do end up with PTSD after a traumatic delivery. One of my deliveries went exactly as I wanted and I think that was very healing after the one that didn’t.

        I don’t think anyone wants to be in the throes of labor and hear their nurse say that you stink because you haven’t showered/brushed your teeth. That is 100% honest, but isn’t helpful. Not telling you that you are already 10 cm isn’t going to make your experience good or bad. It will give you time to labor down and possibly prevent a c section. I certainly didn’t want to know if I pooped and I totally knew ahead of time that it is something the nurse would lie to you about if you did. I don’t feel that any of this is insensitive.

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      • January 2, 2015 at 5:42 am
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        Wow….I’m thinking the title should not have been 17 lies….but maybe things we Nurses say so you don’t freak the hell out. Cmon…. I’m sure in other fields, people post things like 17 things lawyers say, or 17 things the UPS guy does to your package marked FRAGILE or even 17 things your teacher REALLY thinks aboutyour brat child…..my point is its funny for US. Because we see this stuff every day. So lighten up. OK? O by the way, if we told you the truth….you would be so damn scared to have a child in the hospital you would never get pregnant in the first place.

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      • February 1, 2015 at 4:40 am
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        I had a very traumatic birthing experience, Pre-eclampsia first then went into full-blown HELLP syndrome after and can still laugh at this. Birth is Never easy and rainbows and gumdrops.

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    • December 28, 2014 at 8:39 pm
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      This is hilarious and spot on! As nurses, we have a sense of humor that some non-nurses don’t find funny. But some non-nurses do find this stuff funny as well. If you are one of the people who don’t find it funny then YOU should not be in the healthcare field. Anywhere. You have no idea what makes a good nurse. I can identify with all these lies. I’ve told them myself many times!

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    • December 28, 2014 at 10:29 pm
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      I so agree with you Abonin. This was put on Facebook by a nurse that many friends had help in their delivery(ies).So sad that this time is made fun of. If you want to make fun release stress, get in a nurses group and not ruin our birthing experiences for us. You get paid well and say you do it to help people. Do you suppose firemen make fun of the people who die, or wet or poop their pants out of fear?Get a grip of what empathy and compassion is about or change careers. Furious and sad.

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      • December 29, 2014 at 3:02 am
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        To “Sadly”, Being married to a Fireman, and being an RN for 23 years, most spent in Women and Children’s specialties and the ED, I can answer your , whiny, self centered, naive and stupid question…..YES, Firemen, EMT/Paramedics, Cops, Nurses, Therapists, even Doctors ALL laugh at the most inappropriate things involving their patients/citizens. We have to. To get through the dead babies, the seizing Mothers, the social nightmare families the poor little infant is being sent “home” to; the broken bodies at car wrecks, the burned bodies at Fire scenes, the screaming heartbroken families left behind. So, the moment you think your Holier than Thou self can hold a dead baby, try and resuscitate a burned over 80% of their body victim, or any other tragedy we deal with on a daily basis, all to do it again and again and again…step up,Bitch.

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      • December 29, 2014 at 3:16 am
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        So when you are in labor you want your nurse to tell you “Damn brush your teeth” or “Ewww you just pooped, no one ever does that” or God forbid after looking over your baby’s heart rate monitor “Geez that doesn’t look good, I hope your doctor gets here in time” The lies they tell are to protect your humility and sanity. I’m thankful I had my kids before working in the OB field (clinic) because ignorance is bliss for those that truly have no idea. I know my breath stunk because I had been puking in transition but she was nice enough to not say anything because I was already upset & feeling like crap with back labor. Thank you to my nurses for smelling my puke breath, not pointing out my hairy unshaved legs (I couldn’t see them damn it), my ungroomed pubic area (again I couldn’t see it damn it) and telling me “No you’re not pooping” when I am pretty sure I was!

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        • December 29, 2014 at 3:23 am
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          exactly! I went to work on a Friday, went to a doctor’s appointment, and then ended up having my baby the following Monday! No shower…no bath… I made my mom wash me down there because I was all Mag-ed out and I had vagina spray that smelled a little like cotton candy :/

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      • December 29, 2014 at 3:49 pm
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        I’m married to a paramedic, and I am an ER nurse…and we absolutely find humor where we can in our jobs. Laughing at the parts you can is what gets you through all the terrible/sad/traumatic things that you experience as well. Sharing the light-hearted things about the job is in no way meant to disrespect the people we care for (people who often get our first and best while our families miss out), it is simply a way to ease the stress of our work. While your nurse may fib to you about things that don’t matter, she/he is also going to be there to explain what the doctor didn’t very well, hold your hand when things are difficult, tear up for the happy/sad moments, and be forever changed by her/his patients.

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      • December 30, 2014 at 11:36 pm
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        Sadly,
        Being told I have bad breath or just pooped would have ruined my birthing experience. I don’t see these as lies as much as discretion.

        And firefighters absolutely make fun of “crispy critters”, and as a law enforcement officer, I have too. It is a coping mechanism, as I believe this blog to be as well. Because as beautiful as birth is, it too has its ugly.

        I feel like a stalker on this page, because I am not a nurse. But I can’t help it because I love to get these glimpses into a world that has always fascinated me, and it’s hilarious to boot. So I think that if posts like this are upsetting to you, that perhaps this blog isn’t meant for you to read.

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      • January 2, 2015 at 5:45 am
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        Yes…the fireman do make fun.

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    • December 28, 2014 at 11:43 pm
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      AGREED I’ve seen more professionalism in a Wendy’s, this is pathetic and you should be fired.

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      • December 28, 2014 at 11:57 pm
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        Oh please. Get a sense of humor. Nurses endure more than you can imagine and if we didn’t use humor to deal with it, we would be bitter and jaded and we would hate all of you.

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      • December 29, 2014 at 3:03 am
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        The moment you think your Holier than Thou self can hold a dead baby, try and resuscitate a burned over 80% of their body victim, or any other tragedy we deal with on a daily basis, all to do it again and again and again…step up,Bitch.

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      • December 29, 2014 at 3:33 am
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        Have you seen stories on what some fast food workers do to food orders from high maintenance customers? If that is what you consider professionalism then by all means have them take care of you.

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      • December 29, 2014 at 6:34 am
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        OMG! STFU! If this is a firing offense, there would be no one left in a hospital to take care or your ass. There would be no fucking nuns, doctors, housekeepers, social workers, etc. Damn! People! I bet you tell little kids everywhere that Santa isn’t real and you NEVER laugh at anything. Sorry for the language everyone else.

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      • December 30, 2014 at 2:10 am
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        I hate to tell you, but that’s the customer service ‘face’ you see. What is said at the end of the day behind a customer’s back would make you think otherwise. I’ve worked in the customer service field for 20 years and everyone talks about rude customers once customers aren’t around. And usually you become some sort of inside joke for months.

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      • January 8, 2015 at 8:23 am
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        I think everyone needs to learn how to laugh at themselves a little! I know I acted ridiculous at some points during my labours and I actually look back and laugh at a lot of the things I did, too! It’s all about how seriously people take themselves. I am no stranger to stress and sorrow, and I have learned how to laugh at these difficult situations, because if you don’t, you cry and you become completely incapable of moving forward or helping anyone. My husband died when I was only 32yrs old, leaving me with three young children, one of whom has autism. He had been seriously ill for three years prior to his death and was in and out of the hospital and care centers. The entire experience was laced with much laughter!!! And yes, some of it was probably inappropriate! It’s the only way to stay sane! When I brought my 7 and 8 year olds into the room to see their Daddy after he had passed, my autistic son took a look at him, turned to me and said, “so, what’s for lunch!” We all burst into laughter! What else is there to do?! There is absolutely nothing wrong with finding humour in these kinds of things! No one is saying anything out of maliciousness! And no, I don’t think that anyone is making fun of your dead baby!!! But even in death there is irony and humour and beauty! You just have to look for it, get the stick out of your butt and allow yourself to laugh at it!!! I promise, it won’t kill you, and your face won’t crack!

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    • December 29, 2014 at 2:48 am
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      Shaddup…..I hate bitches like you.

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    • December 29, 2014 at 1:43 pm
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      The most important thing is getting a safe delivery even when mothers and family are acting crazy hats off to nurses who take the crap and remain professional while with the patient. Until you are a delivery nurse you CANNOT make such narrow minded comment

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    • December 30, 2014 at 12:41 am
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      Gee… take a chill pill. Nothing that’s written in the post is offensive or meant to hurt anybody’s feelings.

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    • May 29, 2015 at 3:08 am
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      Get a grip. All profession like ours have to find ways to laugh or we would go crazy. It is not all unicorn and rainbows. This is a demanding high stress job and if laughing about the patients really bad breath on our break with our friends helps us making it through the 3 or 4 12 hour shifts we have to work in a row. Who is it hurting? We wouldn’t do it at the desk. We are only human. Sometimes you laugh to keep from crying.

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  • December 28, 2014 at 3:40 pm
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    It’s totally fine to have an elective induction. For your first baby. Even though you aren’t 40 weeks. And your cervix is closed, thick, and high. No, I don’t think I you are going to have a c/s. I just wear OR gear for fun.

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    • December 29, 2014 at 5:47 am
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      This is the best lie! When I was having my first baby, my OB was at the bedside, smiling and lying so kindly to me (“of COURSE I think you can still have this baby vaginally. We’ll just keep on going..”) even though I was 30+ hours post membrane rupture and not even at 5 cm! He made a pretense of leaving the room, but I could still see my awesome nurse, smiling and saying the same stuff. She was like “yes, yes, of course, you can do this vaginally, we’re here for you” but she was literally at the same time loading up my chart and getting her OR gear ready! I laughed so hard, made my tears stop and made that inevitable c-section MUCH more bearable!

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  • December 28, 2014 at 4:43 pm
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    This is hilarious! The only thing I’m a little concerned about…delivering a baby while sick :/

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    • December 28, 2014 at 4:49 pm
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      Trust me, I’m never that sick. I have no problem calling off bc I never do it. But that’s what I hear other nurses say. .. lol

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    • January 2, 2015 at 4:54 am
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      Just to clue everyone in. Most hospitals have strict absenteeism policies. In small rural hospitals there are no replacement nurses. Calling in sick isn’t an option. If you call in you are fired.

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  • December 28, 2014 at 6:34 pm
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    Love these!!! Been a labor nurse for 14 years… All r true. I love my job!!! Keep them coming! U r hilarious :)

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  • December 28, 2014 at 6:53 pm
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    I was a labor and delivery nurse for ten years and now coming up on twenty years as a nurse midwife. You are SO spot on with a great sense of humor. Keep up the great work. We as stressed out healthcare professionals need to be able laugh. ❤️

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  • December 28, 2014 at 7:15 pm
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    I love this post and totally wish you could be my L&D nurse next time around because you sound like fun!

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  • December 28, 2014 at 10:39 pm
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    I had no idea all the pretty lies that my nurse was telling me. I completely believed her. It wasn’t until afterwards that my mom told me. I was pushing for three and a half hours and was asking how long I had been pushing. She’d say “you’re doing great, it’s only been like two hours and most woman push for 2-4 hours.” I totally believed her. She would say the most encouraging things the whole time. I loved her!!! No one needs a negative nurse. It helped me get threw a very difficult labor and delivery. She was amazing. I had no idea how much they do. I guess I thought the doctor would be there for most of it.

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      • December 29, 2014 at 1:12 am
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        I did. He was just shy of 9 lbs, and his shoulders were large which ended up causing shoulder dystocia. He ended up being delivered safety after some drastic measures. I was so naive, I really thought that once you get to start pushing the baby is practically on its way out. Haha!!!

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        • December 29, 2014 at 1:15 am
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          My first baby was ten pounds, my second was 4.5. But he had a brain bleed when I got meningitis at 5 months and I went into HELLP. I just had surgery to correct the retinal tears. .. lol its the nurse curse ?

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  • December 28, 2014 at 11:03 pm
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    Loved this! :) I don’t mind that I was lied to because my life and my baby’s life was never in danger. :) In fact, sometimes the lies were just the motivation I needed during my deliveries. ;) I wonder if the same people who are upset about these little fibs encourage their kids to believe in Santa, the tooth fairy, etc?

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  • December 28, 2014 at 11:40 pm
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    Add me to the group that found this hilarious! I had 3 cesareans so I don’t have much experience with labor…but my daughter is giving birth in a few weeks!! Wonderful to know that the loving professionals that will be delivering will have a sense of humor and reality about themselves and take care of my daughter and unborn baby. My son had back surgery this year and I felt terrible about his bad attitude sometimes towards his nurses (scoliosis surgery, 5 day hospital stay) but it was comforting for me when they told me that it was all ok, he wasn’t the first and that they understood. And honestly, if they all went back to their lounge and had a hour long vent session about him…it didn’t matter to me because the care they gave was so amazing. So from me to all of the L&D nurses and Peds nurses…and nurses period. THANK YOU! Tell my loved ones sweet untruths to make us feel better. Make fun and light of us when with your peers if that helps make your day smoother and and helps you offer better care. LOVE AND GOD BLESS YOU!

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  • December 28, 2014 at 11:49 pm
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    Please let someone else that deserves a CAREER in HEALTHCARE and not just a personal forum for gossip and self pity have your very well paying job that you clearly do not deserve or appreciate. The only part I laughed at was the thought of one of you getting punched in the face. You are a disgrace.

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      • January 2, 2015 at 5:00 am
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        What’s hilarious is that anyone believes nurses have a high paying job!

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    • December 29, 2014 at 12:06 am
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      You’re just mad cause you pooped while you were pushing! Haha! I love this article! It’s HILARIOUS and TRUE!!

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    • December 29, 2014 at 2:19 am
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      I find it ridiculous how people are actually getting their feelings hurt on here. Really??? This is hilarious and true!! I guess only other nurses would understand. It’s funny because it’s true and we deal with it on an everyday basis! Every individual patient is unique in their own way. Some are crazy some are demanding and some are just as sweet as can be. Regardless, we will follow the oath we took as nurses to protect and keep our patients safe! We will argue with the doctor when we don’t agree, we will deliver you when the doctor doesn’t make it to your delivery, we will clean your vomit when you get sick during labor, we will clean your poop instead of making you sit on it while you push, we will push with you for 3 hours in the middle of the night while your doctor is asleep, we will be the first to notice when something isn’t looking right with your baby, we will give you advice, we will help you breastfeed (even though we all hate it), We will ADVOCATE for you!!! So how dare you tell a nurse they don’t deserve their job. Until you walk in our shoes you will never know what it’s like to be a nurse…. Until my next delivery….

      L&D nurse for 6 years, Nurse Practitioner for 2 years…

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    • December 29, 2014 at 2:51 am
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      Why do bitches like you a;ways want to bring money into your insults? You know bupkus, and I am not afraid to say STFU and go away.

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      • December 29, 2014 at 7:23 am
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        Being a nurse myself, I can honestly say I would HATE to have to work a single shift with you. Your language alone shows your lack of respect for others. I know the job is stressful and we can be inappropriate in our humor, but calling people derogatory names is uncalled for. You are not helping your peers by posting inappropriately on a public forum.

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    • December 30, 2014 at 6:32 am
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      There is something wrong with you.

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  • December 29, 2014 at 12:09 am
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    I had a C-section and didn’t realize I could leave the room with the baby to go the kitchen…until my last day at the hospital. I felt so bad for pressing the call button and asking this one nurse to get me something from the kitchen. When she told me that I could push the baby to the kitchen myself instead of calling on her, I burst into tears because I felt I had been bossing all the nurses around. My midwives and the rest of the nurses told me not to feel bad, reminded me that I had just had a c-section, but I felt AWFUL! I even apologized to her before being discharged.

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      • December 29, 2014 at 7:50 pm
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        It’s not funny. This woman sounds like she didn’t have any other support to go to the kitchen for her (otherwise, she wouldn’t have had to take the baby). AND it sounds like she didn’t get a very good orientation to the unit or education on moving around post delivery. Rather, a grouchy nurse (and I’m sure she had reason to be grouchy) gave her attitude without reflecting on the patient’s total situation, not the least of which included exhaustion, hormone fluctuation, and a sore bum. The patient, already at risk for depression, went home feeling like a jerk. Score! Nurses should be appreciated and respected for their hard work, but then they should keep most of their observations and holier-than-thou attitude private. Nurses aren’t saints, but we get well compensated, and our compassion should reflect that. No nurse can fully appreciate what a patient is experiencing, no matter how experienced a nurse she is. We nurses need a sense of humor, otherwise we would all be shaking in our straight jackets in a padded room. That being said, it takes special care to make sure our attempts at stress release do not prevent us from providing reflective care.

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    • December 29, 2014 at 8:09 pm
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      Sorry Tracy, your whole post didn’t come through on my phone! If I were your nurse, I would have walked with you. Someone should have told you that moving around is part of what you have to do to feel better. It sucks at first, but ambulating gets you to feeling better quicker. Having said that, we’re there to help you in all sorts of ways. I would have encouraged your family in the room to gets things for you, and when I walked with them I would have told them that they need to also be doing these things for you once you go home <3 I literally make everyone in the room work. lol They need encouraging because they seriously have to know that you will need help at home! If you have another baby, end up having another c/s…walk as much as you can and ask for an abdominal binder. c/s patients love them!! xxxx

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  • December 29, 2014 at 12:11 am
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    I love that so many people GET this! The people whining and crying are so ridiculous and juvenile. They’re probably the same people who put their kids in sports that don’t keep score, lol.

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  • December 29, 2014 at 1:28 am
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    L & D RN for 19 years and this had me in stitches. I love my patients and their families! I also have 4 of my own children one of which was a very traumatic emergency cesarean for a prolapsed cord. We work our tails off to give everyone a safe and amazing experience. My personal goal is always to make sure each woman/family looks back on their birth as one of the most amazing times of their lives. I love the high risk births and I love the au natural births. They all have a special place in my heart and I think this is quite funny.

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    • December 29, 2014 at 1:29 am
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      Thank you! !! It like shocks me that people are saying I should be fired and I’m not a real nurse. I love love love my patients! Even the crazy ones ?

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  • December 29, 2014 at 2:19 am
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    As the father of ten children, I will say I am extremely thankful for some wonderful obstetric nurses that have been there even when the doctor didn’t show up on time. My experience has been wonderful most of the time, & I even got to help once! Now, of course, I was not HAVING said children, my lovely wonderful wife {that wanted 12} was, heroically. But I loved the piece.

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    • December 29, 2014 at 6:30 am
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      I love that you had ten kids! !! It took me 7 years to get my husband to agree to baby #2..?? but I finally got him! Lol

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  • December 29, 2014 at 2:33 am
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    More reason for me never to have children :-)

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  • December 29, 2014 at 2:51 am
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    Longtime L&D nurse who can vouch for all this stuff, but maybe Facebook public posts are not the best forum for this…

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  • December 29, 2014 at 3:08 am
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    This was a fun read. My 3rd baby came after 30 minutes of labor and 30 minutes of pushing. Just thought I’d throw in that I was begging for an epidural *after* she was born via the McRoberts maneuver. I’m thankful that my daughter made it through unscathed, but that was TERRIBLE! And I was hemorrhaging from a torn cervix, but they were causing serious pain while trying to find the source of the bleed. I kept passing out, and they kept snapping those infernal things under my nose to bring me back around. What the heck?! At least passed out I didn’t know I was in excruciating pain. Hello? Leave me under, why dontcha? Lol. I know they were talking about me later. Would love to have been a fly on the wall. :)

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    • December 29, 2014 at 3:25 am
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      trust me…the only thing they were talking about was that they were glad you were alive!! you can’t say bleeding and passing out and a torn cervix and not make a labor nurse scramble! I’m glad the baby was unscathed…can’t say the same for you though! lol <3 <3

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  • December 29, 2014 at 4:29 am
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    funny — except the delivering/handling babies sick part. That makes me really uncomfortable :/ I hope my nurse protects me and my baby, not endangers him.

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  • December 29, 2014 at 4:55 am
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    Oh my gosh, you mean I really was the only person who pooped while delivering? Talk about embarrassing!!! My husband is a doctor and his partner delivered me. I had previously had drinks with everyone in the room for a few years and now I’m finding out that it’s rare to poop during delivery?

    Oh my word. I am so embarrassed!!!!! LOL!!! (Loved this article, but so embarrassed!!!) Thankfully, only one out of three of my kids caused me to poop while delivering, but did it have to be the one delivered by my husband’s partner and staff? Yikes!!! LOLOL!

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    • December 29, 2014 at 6:27 am
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      Girl, the truth is. .. MOST people poop. Lol just not everyone. Ummm GUILTY with my first, but not my second…I think ??

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      • December 29, 2014 at 10:05 pm
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        Hahahahaha!!!! Thanks for the laugh. GREAT blog post, and I’m not a nurse. I just love the fact that they kindly put up with my husband. Nurses are AWESOME people. God bless every one of you.

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      • December 30, 2014 at 4:50 pm
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        I’m glad you said this! I didn’t with my first two, but I know I did with my third. They were telling me to push, and I knew that I was going to and was trying to push without pooping. Those pushes weren’t at all effective, and once I said, to hell with it, it happens all the time- she was born in 2 minutes. Then I read this and thought, Damnit! Now I’m really embarassed! So that’s my long way of saying thanks for clearing that up, haha.

        And I really didn’t expect this type of reaction to this, by the way. You’ve really stirred people up!

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        • December 30, 2014 at 4:56 pm
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          Lol I know. ? I didn’t mean to. Lol if a patient frantically asks if she’s pooping and I say yes, they all stop pushing! So we just clean it up so fast they never know. Lol I keep reading it again to see what people are so upset about, but it cracks me up! ! We never talk about people in the breakroom bc of how they look/smell or whatever… We only talk about the really whacky stuff, like people throwing stuff or on drugs running around all naked. Lol

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  • December 29, 2014 at 7:52 am
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    I was a Fire Fighter EMT 2 for ten years and I can tell you that yes we talked about people and made fun of situations all the time. Laughter is the best medicine and destessing tool that we as humans have.

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  • December 29, 2014 at 8:07 am
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    Oh, man! When I go into labor now I’m going to be paranoid about every word coming out of my nurses mouth. Not that it’s a huge change, my nurse with my first wasn’t very nice so I’m already wary of them but now it’s like 10x worse. ? hopefully with this next one it goes super smooth and I only have to see my nurse the minimum amount.

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  • December 29, 2014 at 2:17 pm
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    So, let me get this straight… in your chosen profession, (teacher, minister, soup kitchen volunteer, homemaker, etc.) you have NEVER gotten emotional and tried venting via humor to help you deal??? I sincerely doubt it… I have just one phrase for you and ALL of the intolerant individuals posting rude comments, “Those who live in glass houses,” I challenge you to finish this statement with an honest and introspective self-evaluation. And please, by all means, do share the results with everyone!!!
    I know we all have moments that are less than becoming during emotionally charged times; but to ridicule someone else for their humorous reactions is a lie in and of itself. Please tell all of us nurses, that you’ve NEVER done that and we’ll know you’re full of it, but we’ll care for you with the same empathy and advocacy every time anyway, without judgement!!! That is all…
    P.S.- We don’t do it for the money, and the author and commenters have proven by baring hearts and souls full of joy and pain! So move along smartly…

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  • December 29, 2014 at 3:39 pm
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    hey! I love your blog! I have a question: why do nurses lie about how bad a woman tears during labor? I’ve given birth once and been present at 3 other births, and I’ve noticed that nurses either give good news about labor wounds or slyly avoid the subject. If I ask my nurse to be real with me about what happened and how many tears and stitches I have to get, is that enough to get real information? I had a really rough recovery with my first and wish I’d had more education about the situation I was in when I left the hospital.

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    • December 29, 2014 at 3:44 pm
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      People ask all the time how many stitches they got, but nurses have no clue! We aren’t the one stitching. ..I always say “a lot” or “enough” so they aren’t worried about their who-ha being left all unfixed. We can tell you how many sutures were used, but that would be useless information. And about avoiding the subject. .. Sometimes the provider will call it a 1st degree and we are thinking “that was so a 2nd”… But we aren’t all up in it to see. I hope that answers your question! ?

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  • December 29, 2014 at 5:43 pm
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    After 25 years in OB, I’ve learned something that took me a while to wrap my head around…..you can’t please all the people, all the time. On the Internet, you are lucky to get 25% positive comments to anything because everyone, posing as “anonymous”, is willing to spew hate at you. The OB nurses “get” this and that is what is important. My sarcastic sense of humor is attributed mostly to my profession and I am thrilled to take care of a patient who clicks with me. If they don’t, like some of those commenting here, we politely take excellent care of them and move on. Don’t be butt hurt that you are the subject of one of our jokes. Anonymously, of course!

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  • December 29, 2014 at 6:26 pm
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    As I read this I am thinking “maybe it is time for you to leave nursing”! a disgrace to put this out there! Be ashamed!

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  • December 29, 2014 at 7:26 pm
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    I’ve been an OB nurse for 31+ years. It is a demanding, on-your-toes, hold-your-breath field that also brings gratifying relief of a job well done. I have left my shift with happiness as well as tears of disbelief, heartache, and discouragement. Anyone that has a high stress job has to find a way to vent or we won’t be able to walk away with our mental health intact. Just because I may shake my head or laugh does not mean that I do not care or will not care for you or your family with the greatest compassion I have to give.

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  • December 29, 2014 at 7:40 pm
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    4 kids all vaginal, no medication for any of them (blood-clothing issue), The first I was a true first time mom, complaining about the pain, asking the questions, etc. By 3 and 4 I told the nurses what was happening and to NOT let the Dr. leave for lunch. A resident delivered #3 cause the doc could’t climb the stairs fast enough. After a few kids, mom knows the best! :)

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  • December 29, 2014 at 8:04 pm
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    Labor Nurse of ten years here. I love so many of your posts, but one thing I’d like to see much much more of is transparency and shared decision making in healthcare. So, no, I don’t lie to patients. I tell them they are nearly ready to push but it’s is safe to let the body continue doing the work for them. I also tell them that most women poop, but that some luck out and that I will be discreet and do my best to keep them comfortable. I tell them that the providers and I work together as a team to keep them and their baby safe. I tell them something I honestly like about the provider who is on call that day. “She is exceptional at surgery.” “She is fantastic at the bedside.” I tell them the hardest part of my job is leaving right before the birth. I get where you are coming from—we have a unique job and I can tell you love it–but I think there’s room to say all these things with more tact and honesty. I certainly expect that when I am feeling scared and vulnerable. It’s a very fine line to walk when we talk about protecting our patients, and it’s one I’m finding I’m less comfortable doing the more experience I get.

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    • December 29, 2014 at 8:13 pm
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      You know what we do. ..We alter the things we say with each patient. Our patients trust us. I go above and beyond explaining stuff… But these are general. I’m not saying I say all of these, I’m just saying I have at one point said most of these! And I phrase my physician comments like you do. ???

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  • December 29, 2014 at 8:43 pm
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    I’ve got twenty years of labor and delivery experience, and although I do not take offense to this article, I practice differently. I tell the truth. I tell the patient on admission “your cervix is closed and not at all effaced. Your baby is not in the pelvis. Doing an elective induction today increases the likelihood of your needing a Cesarean section to 50%. I I clearly and absolutely feel a closed cervix. Do you still want me to ask the doctor for an elective induction?” If a vaginal delivery is important to you, you should wait for spontaneous labor.”

    I offer a hot shower to any mobile patient and I provide thorough perineal care with warm soapy water and clear rinse every two hours while in labor. There is no need to talk about body odor, just do something about it. As for body hair, I don’t even see it. Are you kidding me? I have so many higher order concerns, pubic hair or legs that need shaving cannot even be on my radar.

    I love 8 of our 9 providers. Of the ninth provider I say, “he makes good decisions about managing labor and checks in frequently with me throughout the day.” He’s an ass, but what I said is true.

    In normal labor, I check the cervix infrequently, providing lots of patient education and letting patient know that “curiosity is not an indication for examination”. I check when she’s likely to be complete and she usually is. The fewer examinations there are, the less the opportunity for chorioamnionitis and the less the mother stresses over her perceived “failure” to progress.

    I tell the patients that some moms pass stool when they are pushing, but that the nurse cleans is up so quickly that most people in the room don’t know that it happened. “I’d never announce it, and I’m sure your husband is classy enough to not point it out. No woman can selectively push out a baby and leave stool behind. Physiologically that is just not possible. ”

    Last, but not least, I never have to lie when asked, “did you just break my water?” I don’t do it. Not my job and therefore, not my guilt in case of disaster.

    It’s the most amazing job ever, and it does take a sense of humor to get through it all. It’s OK for nurses to have different styles of working, as long as the safety and emotional well being of the patient is our highest priority.

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    • January 25, 2016 at 6:48 pm
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      You are clearly a higher caliber care provider than the author. “Nurses ” like her do such a disservice to the overall perception of the profession. Please continue to be an example for practitioners like the author who seem to have lost their way.

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  • December 29, 2014 at 8:52 pm
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    Some of these “lies” are why I had my last four babies at home unassisted.

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    • January 25, 2016 at 6:56 pm
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      Yes the author certainly is a prime example of the poor quality of care and disrespect a laboring mother receives in a standard hospital setting versus the unparalleled skill of a professional midwife

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  • December 30, 2014 at 12:02 am
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    Now I have even more anxiety about giving birth in June. It never once crossed my mind that the nurses might discuss my breath or the smell of my vagina in the break room. I’m seriously freaking out even more than I was before, when all I had to worry about were my two previous devastating deliveries.

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    • December 30, 2014 at 3:50 am
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      If you’re that worried about it, odds are there won’t be anything to smell or talk about.

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  • December 30, 2014 at 12:17 am
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    Loved this! My mom is an OB nurse and it’s an incredibly stressful job. Most of my nurses were awesome when I had my three boys, one natural and two with epidurals. Don’t knock epidurals, I barely remember my first boy being born because the pain had been so wearing and intense. With my last two, I could participate and there were absolutely no complications. You need to do what’s best for YOU, not follow someone else’s opinion. My nurses and midwife respected that and we worked as a team. Keep doing what you’re doing!

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    • December 30, 2014 at 5:16 am
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      I don’t knock epidurals, and I had the same experience with my first. She weighed 10 pounds and I was in so much pain I remember NOTHING. Like, literally. ?

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  • December 30, 2014 at 2:16 am
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    I am a teacher and we definitely use humor to deal with a lot of situations/students. I think it is understood and appreciated more by other teachers. I can see why other nurses would love the words you have written but those not in the profession – not so much.

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  • December 30, 2014 at 4:42 am
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    Wow! I think this nurse (and all of you that agree with her) should find a new profession! You are clearly out of your element and need to place yourself in a situation in which you aren’t so bitter. If you don’t like your job, quit! I’m sure the new mothers would appreciate not having you around.

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    • December 30, 2014 at 5:14 am
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      Well thanks for reading it. It is like shocking to me that anyone can find a problem with this article. I didn’t think it was bad at all!!!

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      • December 30, 2014 at 5:30 am
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        This post shattered any trust I had in my labor and delivery nurses. I am very against home births, but after reading this, I can now see at least one positive in a home birth.

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        • December 30, 2014 at 5:36 am
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          I’m sorry. .. I just reread it and I still don’t see what the big deal is. God, recently I delivered a full term IUFD, a drug addict slot in my eye, and I slipped in someone’s blood and ruined a brand new pair of scrubs. It’s funny! !!! Ffs it’s a vagina… Sometimes they stink! Are we supposed to act like we don’t have a nose? ? And usually they don’t! ! And they don’t stink bc they need a bath, that wouldn’t make us blink twice, it’s chorio that reeks.

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        • December 30, 2014 at 5:41 am
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          …I mean, seriously….step back and re-read it. It’s not bad! Women come to us in every kind of way. We still comfort them, and help them manage their pain, and we take care of them to preserve their dignity. Most women poop when they deliver. But not everyone does. But if my patient is pooping, and frantically ASKS if she’s pooping, I’m going to say no and clean it up so fast no one would ever know it was there. I don’t want her to be focused on something so insignificant. And if she is pooping, she’s pushing the right way…but seriously, that wont matter to her in the moment if she thinks she’s pooping all over the place and I’m going to let everyone see/smell it.

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      • December 30, 2014 at 7:49 am
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        You are entitled to think it’s funny. I found it in very poor taste and all of the nurses commenting that it is so true just made me realize that I don’t want people that feel this way anywhere near me or my baby while I am delivering. Having a child is hard enough to have to worry about my nurses lying to me and wondering if the kind things they say are crap and they are going to go to the break room and laugh at me. I had a severe reaction to an epidural and spent several minutes unconscious and at the time I had no worries about what may have happened while I was out but now there’s niggling doubts in the back of my head, did I poop, was it embarrassing, was I the topic of conversation in the break room? On a blog post? I just realized that this is not the type of thing that I am okay with people thinking while I am putting my life and the life of my child in their hands.

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  • December 30, 2014 at 10:54 am
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    Wow! A lot of you need to seriously chill out!! It was a funny post and no i am not a nurse, but i have a sense of humor!

    I have been a relatively frequent visitor of the L & D department since I have had 3 miscarriages, 2 of which required a D & C (16 weeks and 18 weeks) and i have also had 3 live births. I have nothing but great things to say about my nurses…and i’m sure they lied to me at some point or another and honestly, i am ok with that.

    My first delivery, i really pity the nurses i had! My husband and myself were both nervous wrecks! I think after losing our first 2 babies, we just couldn’t believe we would finally have a baby and were just expecting for something to go wrong! I was in labor for 19.5 hours, without an epidural because i was terrified of them. But after all that time, i was still only a 3 and my water had broken at home 19 hours earlier. I ended up with a c-section and my nurse was amazing, talking to me while i was bawling my eyes out when they tried to put my epidural in because i was scared. I now have a super smart, happy and healthy 9 year old son.

    Between my 1st and my 2nd, i lost a 3rd baby at 18 weeks and i was so devastated! The nurses were so nice and compassionate. I will never be able to thank them enough.

    My second delivery was very different…aside from the fact that it was loooooong too! It took 21 hours from the moment my water broke at home until my baby girl was born after 45 minutes of pushing. I was also not a very nice patient since i got nicked when they put in the catheter in(wasn’t scared of the epi anymore lol) and the whole right side of my who-ha was swolen and on fire! After hours of icing it down, i finally told my nurse that either she was taking it out or i was doing it myself!! She was so nice when she said she would have to straight cath me before i pushed if she did that and i answered I DON’T CARE!!! TAKE IT OUT!!! LOL I know i pooped while i was pushing, but i was so thankful for my nurse who just took care of if right away, never missing a beat. Now i have a gorgeous, healthy 7 year old daughter.

    My last one, i had to have a c-section 3 weeks early because he had gone from the 74th percentile to the 5th percentile in 6 weeks. He needed to come out. He had very low blood glucose levels when he was born and had trouble maintaining his glucose levels for the first few days. The nurses took great care of him and of me and i am eternally grateful for that! My “baby” is now a willful, spirited 4 year old little boy that i adore.

    I know this is long but the point is, all my deliveries have been different, but all of them have been memorable, even more so because of the dedicated women i had as labor nurses. So what if they laughed at something i did or said, or if they told me a few white lies to preserve my dignity? I am grateful for that too!!

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  • December 30, 2014 at 8:15 pm
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    I think where it might hit a nerve with some readers is the feeling that you are minimizing the laboring mom’s autonomy. Not telling them the truth about their body and baby is going to make many women feel less trust, not more. Again, I’ve read many of your posts and you hit the nail so much of the time right on the head. And with your son, I know you’ve also been on the other side of the page—scared, vulnerable, and unsure. I have also had complications and was furious and lost respect for providers that put straightforward and clinically clear explanations in my chart, but had glossed over it in my visit, again, seeking to protect me. With our fetal loss patients, being sympathetic, but direct is often the way to go and the more I work, the more I feel that is true with most patient situations. “I’m sorry, this IV isn’t going to work. Let’s warm pack the other arm. I know you really want your epidural, so I’m going to grab a fresh pair of eyes to find a site.” “Yep, you’re moving the baby and everything else down. Keep pushing like that, mama, and you will meet your baby soon.” “You haven’t found quite an effective way to push. It’s really hard the first time. Here is what we can try.” I have also found it so fascinating to see that it is not necessarily the outcome of the birth that can cause either feelings of trauma or feelings of satisfaction, but how informed and involved the patient felt. But I also know you care deeply for your patients, and it is evident all over this blog.

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    • December 30, 2014 at 8:19 pm
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      Birdie, I tell my patients everything! I always joke that they’ll be labor nurses when they leave. But I’m not going to tell them something insignificant that will cause them more anxiety. If someone told me I was pooping while I pushed, I wouldn’t push as good, because I’d be inadvertently trying not to poop. And I’m a nurse and know that most people poop! Lol

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  • December 30, 2014 at 10:51 pm
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    Am I the only woman who honestly wished they could be an L&D nurse after delivering their child(ren)? No, I’m not because I’ve had two friends change career paths and do it in their mid-late 30s. I had three very different delivery experiences with more than three different nurses at my side and they all had very different styles. And by the time it was over, I loved them all!!!

    I think your profession is AMAZING and you are lucky to get to be such a very special person in a very special time of a family’s life! I am glad you are professional, kind, funny, caring, human, and knowledgable on a subject most of us go into rather blindly. I’m glad you let us know what will help us and keep from us the things that won’t. If you do it with humor-so be it! I needed a good laugh when my hoo-ha was out there for the whole world to see! I loved the pots!!!!

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  • January 1, 2015 at 2:01 am
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    Reblogged this on jonjominns's Blog and commented:
    I really enjoyed this one. As someone who has worked as part of the anaesthetic team of labour and delivery, I really like your posts – especially as I no longer work again in the area. Look forward to reading again. Thanks for posting.

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  • January 4, 2015 at 6:10 pm
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    I admit some of this is funny… but some of it just seems patronizing. Not that I ever need to deal with L&D nurses lol, I use midwives. BUT

    1. I sure hope you don’t say that one to women feeling the urge to push. I always feel the urge early… and trust me while 5 minutes of pushing may feel like an hour…. 5 minutes of fighting the urge feels like 10.

    5. As a semi-needlephobe this one makes me shudder. Granted if I’m agreeing to an IV it’s not just a routine one so my stress level is going to be thru the roof already. Blaming it on me when you can’t get it in wouldn’t help matters ANY.

    8. Insisting you’re going to do something to someone’s vagina like they have no say in the matter is pretty offensive to me. However if you mean you do ask her permission but you say the reasoning is this policy and not that she STINKS, ok, lol.

    The last one leaves me wondering what was said about me… lol. Which after the fact is funny and all… but if i wasn’t going back to my same midwives that i know respect me regardless… it could give me performance anxiety for my next. My last baby was malpositioned. IT HURT LIKE HELL. Not what i was expecting after previous easyish deliveries. I was loud, I punched things (not my midwives) I apologized to them and they told me to just continue to do whatever i needed to cope. Finally after a LONG time we got him out… lots of pushing because he would not tuck his chin…. midwife called it military presentation. Feeling like i needed to tone it down so i wouldn’t be mocked afterwards would have seriously inhibited me and I think even something as little as that could have ended me in the OR.
    That is the issue i take with this… performance anxiety in labor is real… and i think it could be a major contributor to failure to progress. Birth can be thrown off by psychological factors so easily. And reading that last point could very much negatively affect a future patient in that way. I know you don’t want that.
    I get the need for humor. I really do. My husband is a firefighter. I’m not saying doing that last one is wrong. Just publishing that you do on a public blog could have negative consequences.
    For me… I know my midwives have respect for me and understand whatever i may do in the throes of labor. For the vast majority, the first time they meet you is when they’re in labor. They have to go thru one of the most vulnerable times in their lives with a virtual stranger. Don’t make that harder than it has to be by freaking them out before it even starts.

    And I really hope you don’t see me as a “hater”.
    I think you’re one of the good ones. I’ve met a couple of the bad ones… had enough of that to last me a lifetime. But they gave me that push I needed towards midwifery care so I guess it had a purpose.

    Sorry so long… pregnant and emotional here :-/

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    • January 4, 2015 at 6:13 pm
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      If a woman feels the urge to push, there ain’t no stopping that! And I wouldn’t want to! lol

      It was seriously written in harmless fun. I have re-read it a dozen times and crack myself up. So please know it was meant just to provide us labor nurses some humor ;) and I would see a midwife too…if I didn’t go into HELLP syndrome. lol My favorite provider is a midwife…

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  • January 6, 2015 at 11:42 am
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    As an L&D nurse, I think these were all spot on…except for the last one and the comments made in the “p.s”. It is NEVER, EVER O.K. or forgivable to hit, kick or bite a nurse (or even attempt to), and labor is not your free pass to do so. It is assault, plain and simple. It is not normal or acceptable or humorous. It is a crime and you can and should be prosecuted for it.

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    • January 7, 2015 at 12:05 am
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      I’d have to disagree with that. With how common procedures without consent are, a woman should have the right to fight back when her bodily autonomy is being violated. So never, ever, is a little strong.

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      • May 29, 2015 at 5:25 pm
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        LOL yes. Exactly, that comment is so hypocritical. I was held down by a doctor and a nurse in labour so the OB could stretch my cervix while I begged him to stop. ‘It was assault, plain and simple.’ But because they were wearing scrubs it’s okay…

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  • January 9, 2015 at 5:38 pm
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    Those of you that take offense to this, C’mon! Seriously! I would much rather my Nurse lie and wear a mask, Thank you for letting me hang on your Shoulders while you rub my arms telling me everything is going Great, while getting my Epidural, then you saying “Good Grief, your Breath Stinks!” Those of you that think it’s Rude for these Nurses to Lie, that’s ridiculous! Thank you to the Nurses that don’t say “Nasty, you pooped!, but instead would laugh with Me and say, GREAT you are making Progress!” Hello, it’s called being sensitive!

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  • January 10, 2015 at 5:43 am
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    I was clueless going into labor with our one & only child but our nurses were seriously amazing, I loved every one and was really sad at each shift change & sad to leave them at the end & never see them again! I am pretty sure I pooped bc in my complete agony I thought I saw them seeming to clean something up like I had, but at that point I really couldn’t have cared less and I had no desire to know or ask anyone if I really did lol. All I could think about was the Pain! My water broke at 8 AM & DD was born after 8 PM, I hadn’t had breakfast and so hadn’t eaten all day long and was so hungry by the end, so one of my nurses spoon fed me some jello, I didn’t know I could even have that so I was soooo happy! I took a long shower before going to the hospital and just kept washing & washing bc I didn’t realize that the “water” keeps replenishing so there was just more & more goo ugh, I do not remember being “wiped” or cleaned down there at the hospital. I remember at one point I went to the bathroom & a bunch of the fluid slime got on my flip flop when I stood up lol I had no idea it would be like that. Yes labor nurses put up with a lot and probably most do a great job, they know that women in labor have pretty much no sense of manners, modesty, or hygiene in that moment, just because some patients poop or have bad breath it doesn’t mean they like you any less!

    I am a social worker on a psych floor and this happens there too, different topics obviously. As long as these conversations are not taking place where ANY patients or families can hear, I do not find it unprofessional. And to some concerns out there, I honestly do not think ANYONE who is truly compassionate is laughing at your loved one baby or otherwise who passes away, that is something totally different. We have lost a former pt to suicide and it is devastating to all of us, we certainly don’t laugh about it but try to figure out what we could have done differently. Of those I work with, I would say about 90% at least truly care about the patients, want the best for them and treat them with dignity and respect, and go above and beyond for them, regardless of any “joking” around done in private. As in any field, there are always going to be those whose heart just isn’t in it or just aren’t professional.

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    • December 31, 2015 at 3:07 pm
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      Girl I feel ya! I stood up to rock back and forth to encourage my little one to labor and my stepmom was standing next to me dutifully wiping blood of my legs and the floor because I was in tears that I was bleeding everywhere. Labor and delivery nurses are amazing.

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  • February 23, 2015 at 1:31 am
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    Yikes is that why I had such bad back labor?! I don’t know why they started me on pitocin or anything since I went into labor & water broke naturally, they made it seem like it was just the thing to do normally. Luckily they were super nice & didn’t “bark” at me :/

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  • May 29, 2015 at 2:31 pm
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    When they bring your comatose infant son back to you after his excruciatingly painful and completely unnecessary circumcision and say he slept right through it. They of course mean that he screamed and vomited and then went into shock. But they can’t tell you the truth because the OB needs to make another boat payment and if you found out what actually happened that OB might lose future business.

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    • May 29, 2015 at 4:35 pm
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      You didn’t have to get him a circumcision…and I have seen them first hand and the baby never cried or vomited.

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      • May 30, 2015 at 4:05 pm
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        Never cried? What a load of crap.

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      • December 29, 2015 at 5:05 pm
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        I have seen many circs and babies might cry a little but never have I seen one go into shock that’s completely crazy and yes babies are tired from the meds for pain ob nurse

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    • June 5, 2015 at 10:30 pm
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      TJ, ever hear of informed consent? When I go to the mom’s room to take her son for the circumcision and she says to me, “Oh the mean nurse is going to hurt you!” I say to her in my sweetest voice,”Oh I thought you had signed for him to have this procedure. We will cancel it right now. I’m so sorry for the mixup.” That usually shuts them right down. At my facility the babies receive local analgesia and sweet ease. Don’t pick on the nurses….we don’t sign the consent.

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    • December 29, 2015 at 5:38 pm
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      Vomiting and shock? Never once have seen this as an OB nurse who has to assist with circumcision procedures most days I work. 90% of the babies I care for during the procedure DO sleep through it! Pretty much the only time they might cry for the briefest second is when the needle is inserted for the lidocaine block, and when the cold gauze is used to wipe off betadine! Seriously, babies cry for longer and harder when I’m changing a diaper than when thwy are getting circumcised. Lidocaine, sweet ease a pacifier and a little head rubbing, and my patients sleep right through it. While I don’t think I would choose circumcision for my son, babies aren’t being tortured and put into shock from the procedure on the regular. If they are, then something has gone terribly wrong!

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    • December 30, 2015 at 3:41 am
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      I’ve been a nursery/labor and delivery nurse for 6 years and never once seen one go into “shock” from a circumcision. Perhaps you should have read the informed consent you signed. Circs are not without pain (btw, the consent form states this fact) and babies often sleep deeper for many hours after their circ because that’s how newborns handle pain, excess stimuli, stress etc. During the procedure everything is done to keep the baby as comfortable as possible in my facility but moms are never ever pushed or even encouraged to have he procedure done. As a mother you have to decide what’s best for your child.

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    • December 30, 2015 at 11:22 pm
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      No one circumcised your kid unless you requested it and signed a consent for it. Most Dr’s I work with wish they didn’t have to do them at all. Yes, it hurts. No, they don’t go in to shock or become comatose. No, your kid probably doesn’t NEED one. If you have it done, don’t blame the Dr or nurse if you feel guilty.

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    • January 24, 2016 at 2:41 pm
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      OMG, an OB doing a circumcision? Where do you live that an OB ever touches a baby once they deliver them? That is so not their job, it’s a pediatricians job. And why the hell would you even send him to have part of his body unnecessarily chopped off? You expect someone to be all happy and awake after you tell someone to chop part of his penis off? You had to know it would hurt but obviously didn’t care.

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    • January 24, 2016 at 2:43 pm
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      OMG, an OB doing a circumcision? Where do you live that an OB ever touches a baby once they deliver them? That is so not their job, it’s a pediatricians job. And why the hell would you even send him to have part of his body unnecessarily chopped off? You expect someone to be all happy and awake after you tell someone to chop part of his penis off? You had to know it would hurt but obviously didn’t care.

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  • May 29, 2015 at 3:56 pm
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    Why would you write this? To make moms self conscious of their smell, choices, or behaviour during one of the most vulnerable & profound time in their lives? To make yourself seem like a hero? I don’t get it. Sorry.

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    • May 29, 2015 at 4:19 pm
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      Oh God. I always get at least one person that takes offense. Do you know what would make a mom feel self conscious? Telling her she needs to brush her teeth!

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      • December 28, 2015 at 7:41 pm
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        What did u mean don’t get me started on c sections?

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    • May 29, 2015 at 11:05 pm
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      This blog is for labor and delivery nurses. Duh. If you are offended than stop reading and move on.

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  • May 29, 2015 at 7:42 pm
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    I love this! Thank you for putting up with all of our craziness!! No we probably don’t realize we smell, like you do, nor did we realize we didn’t brush our teeth as well as we could have, being as the pain is so horrible at times! Never had anything but positive things to say for my nurses and I had 2 emergency c sections and 1 planned!! So let me say thank you, even from the ones who had negative comments! Because without nurses like you, we wouldn’t have help in our time of need!! Kudos to you all!!!

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  • October 2, 2015 at 6:13 pm
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    I am a labor and delivery nurse too. I in fact have used quite a few of those. The one I use more frequently is well your still 9, when actually they are complete. I am a fan of laboring down. The less pushing, the less repair and that means the least amount of time I have to stand and hold a leg with no feeling, and twist my body into a pretzel to help with pushing. Which can result in exhaustion and not to mention back pain, severe back pain. It is about the nurses too.

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  • January 5, 2016 at 1:38 am
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    I was young when I had my only child and TOTALLY CLUELESS. I didn’t even realize I was in labor when I was in labor. And I had a real hard ass as my L&D nurse, who I adored through the entire process. I remember saying “I’ve only seen this on TV and I know it’s not the same, so you tell me what to do and I’ll do it.” Which is basically what I tell every professional (even my wedding florists/caterers/etc.)

    My labor lasted 3 hours. I was in hard labor for 15 minutes. That nurse was my hero. I did everything she told me and it just flew by like we were both pros.

    So, thank you, L&D nurses. The softies, the hard asses, the in betweens. Y’all are amazing.

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  • December 30, 2016 at 5:23 am
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    Haha! Love it!!!! So true!

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  • February 9, 2017 at 6:30 pm
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    I think the main concern with lies is if you are lying about little things, how do we know you aren’t lying about the big things or that you won’t lie about them? Little lies lead to big lies. If a patient finds out that her nurse told her multiple little white lies, I don’t blame her when she no longer trusts the people who are caring for her. I consider the nurse lying about being sick to be a big lie, because that affects everyone else’s health. I also appreciate the comments from the L&D nurses on here who are completely honest and manage to do it in a way that the patient is still comfortable and calm.

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  • April 1, 2017 at 5:43 am
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    I’m really glad I read this, it sheds some light on some overly sensitive subjects. I’ve never had a child but am getting to the age where I am considering it, and have been educating myself in various areas. I’ve seen soooooo many birth videos where the doctors and nurses literally look like they’re handling meat behind a counter at Walmart. Just slinging babies like they’re lifeless. Freaks me tf out. But considering how exhausted I am after an 11 hour shift, I can imagine how nurses and doctors feel after dealing with countless psycho-abusive-half unconscious women all day. A good laugh. Thanks

    Reply

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