A Birth Plan Created by an L&D Nurse (that only focuses on the mother)

  •  I want you to talk to me like I’m not an idiot, but I also want you to talk to me like I know nothing at all!!
  • If the provider says no to food or water, I’ll allow you tell me the risks (risk of aspiration if I end up with a cesarean delivery, I may vomit if I transition quickly from one stage of labor to another, or I may end up pooping on myself)…and then just chart me as noncompliant when I eat and drink anyway. Don’t go making a big fuss. Melted ice is water, so that’s kind of the same thing…
  • When my water breaks, the water just keeps coming. I know I won’t stop leaking like a faucet until the baby is born, but I still don’t like feeling this hot-wet-mess down there, so please put lots of towels next to my bedside and allow me to change them as often as a pampered princess would.
  • Save me the embarrassment and save yourself the discomfort and just tell me if I need to brush my teeth.
  • Be honest with me. If I’m hanging out at 4 centimeters and you think all I need is a whiff of Pit to get me really active, just come right out and tell me.  Or if you think I need to squat or walk around, tell me to do that to…I need you for encouragement and guidance. I want this to end as much as you do!
  • But don’t try to put me out of my misery by increasing the Pitocin to see how much I can take before I beg for an epidural or until I blow out my baby (whichever comes first).
  • Speaking of epidurals, I may want one, I may not. I haven’t decided. Actually, I’m going to try really hard not to get one. I’m going to see how long I can last. Was that a contraction? That was really painful. Seriously. That one hurt. On second thought, I think I will get one. Oh, it’s gone. Well, I’ll wait and see.  Just be patient with me until I make up my mind. Don’t go trying to scare me by saying “eight’s too late” …
  • I’m sure you’ve seen a thousand vaginas. I know you’ve seen big ones and small ones and hairy ones and bare ones, but please act like mine is the most normal one you’ve ever seen. And if it smells like a circus down there, don’t even raise an eyebrow.  I bought cotton-candy who-ha spray to leave ZERO chance that you’d talk about me and my vagina when you walk out my door.

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  • Do the humane thing, and before I start pushing and before everyone starts staring at my vagina, please clean me up down there.  Hot-wet-mess, remember? Oh, and I’ve been eating…
  • Please be the only person in the room with some sense and REMIND SOMEONE TO HAVE THE CAMERA READY WHEN IT’S TIME TO DELIVER THE BABY.
  • I want to hold my baby skin-to-skin immediately after delivery if the baby is vigorous. If the baby is limp and barely makes a sound, please take the baby wherever you need to take him to give him a little more pep in his step and to make him cry!  But if he’s okay, I want to hold him immmediately and uninterrupted. I know you have tons of stuff to do, but remember that this is the only time I’ll have at that moment with this baby.
  • When you mash on my uterus after I have my baby, please remember that it’s still attached to my body…
  • When you ask after I deliver if I have hemorrhoids, please just take my word for it. Don’t make me turn to my side so you can get a sneak peak to see if I’m telling the truth.
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I told you they were that big!

Until my next delivery ❤


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